X: Hit Me Here

Today is the kind of day when I like to keep the shades pulled. When I lay under crumpled sheets of hazy thought that are too lazy to give me rhymes, so I write this instead. When I wait for hello and dread the goodbye. It's a day where I wrap my arms around myself so that I don't fall apart, as if it could stop the deterioration inside. When I limit my conversing to less than five words a sentence so that I won't concern others of today. When I lower myself into a hole where I am only known as a target. If you lifted the covers you may see an X slashed across my skin.

Arrows are aimed here. Each one is a reminder of something I'd shed a tear over. Or pull my hair out over. And screams are only a cure for the pain. Something that is welcome here. More welcome than I am. 

Memories are also welcome. They are vivid and sharp today. They can etch the horrors into the back of your skull.

Greetings are nice in the morning. Somebody wants you. But goodbyes are a tragedy of a different sort. They are heart wrenching, but even more so if there isn't one at all. Words just fade into oblivion with nothing to cap both ends of a string of conversations. It's a sting you weren't expecting. That's when the X begins to brand. 

It gets really dark here at night. And quiet. But there are no street lamps to flood the sky, so the stars are a clear map for any destination I'd like to get to. Even if I have no one to make the journey with. 

I might stay here for a while.

It's lonely and full of mirrors that reflect my flaws but it's better than having to walk toward the sun and pretend that I like the burn. 

When I'm done, I will walk to nowhere and when I grow tired I'll turn around and head back. Simple as that. Don't worry, I'll tell you what it's like there.

Smiling is something they can't force us to do.

Smiling is something they can't force us to do.

It is something we must bring upon ourselves. For people like you and me, our walls took so long to build up that we only let in the people that we inexplicably trust. And because the walls are so high, there aren't many people around right now.

I'm tired of seeing plastic smiles stamped on faces by society. One day, their cheeks will fall and they will be lost in a world that turned away from them. And they will beg to be let back into a ring of socialites because it's all they've ever known. And curls will deflate and nail beds will cake with dirt as the silence turns them savage. They will finally revolt, as they refuse to let themselves break, and they claw, until their fingers bleed, at the walls society trapped itself in. But here's the difference between society and us; They built their walls high to shelter the people within. We use ours to keep people out.

But maybe the walls are built all the same, we only use them however we choose. Maybe we all share the same walls, but they are interpreted into or own boundaries until we think they belong to us. And the rest of society lives inside the walls, interrupted only by the rare outburst, which is disposed of like any personal thought to grace their minds. You and I, we live outside these walls. The difference between us and the savages is that we accept it. We are free to find beauty in our flaws. And it only strengthens us as we gladly sit in the rain and count the lines on our hands, our screw-ups, the people we love, and the crimes we've committed. And in situations like these, I find myself pressing my palms into the earth so that maybe I can leave an imprint of my journeys and someone can know that they're not alone.

There has to be something that separates us from them. From the people who drink to erase who they are, until they become indistinguishable from the next. From the people who look down on us because we are free to love the wind and admire it because it is ever changing. Our chains will not be from them. We are allowed to hold our thoughts out in front of us and analyze them as they rest in gentle fingers that pick apart. And they shut us out in the first place because we were smart enough to realize that something was offbeat. Maybe it was us. We just knew it wouldn't work out from the start. But in a way it makes me grateful. While they're confined to one familiar area, it's allowed the space that gives us room to wander.

But when walls start to cave in they try to turn around and take back words that are not easily forgotten. It is thought that this is acceptable because they think they are above us. But you and I know that there is no competition that connects us to them. They'll try to pretend that nothing ever happened, and this is all a big misunderstanding that they are going to pass off as a joke. And they'll expect us to laugh. But smiling is something they can't force us to do.

500 Words of Night

    A few thousand words exchanged, a few more just because:

     It was one of those nights when I didn’t want to sleep. I was brimming with poetic ideas like steam rising from a cauldron, fire smoke drifting into the sky. I had words forming in my head, gliding on the walls of my skull, sinking down into my brain. Words that tasted right in my mouth, words that sucked on my heart.

     They came in the moments I was unavailable. But I blocked out the world and stepped out of my feet. I knew it in the very core of my being that nothing was going to be unavoidable. Sitting in silence with broken eyes, I shut off my senses, and tried not to forget the good. Close the shades, lock the door, open my mind. I spoke them because you asked me to.

           The wind wrapped around my skin, pulsating in my veins, accompanying the low sound of a piano. Leaves swirled around my feet and crunched beneath them. The wind caught in my throat, washed my face clean. The rain came down impossibly hard, kissing the foliage, soaking my hair to my temples, palms open toward the sky. The drops ran down the crevices of my face, between my eyes, around my cheekbones, under my jaw, spilling unto my collarbone.

      It was one of those nights when I wanted to be awake. My life foreshadowed itself. I shared something I never shared before, secrets I wanted to hold inside myself. My heart jumped in my chest, a painful reminder of what threatened to control my thoughts, and I would not see anything else. I let myself fall apart just to see who could put the pieces back. Tighten the screws. Breathe the air back in.    

     I wanted to confirm something in the middle of the night but couldn’t put my tongue around it. It was a time of putting things in words you would understand. That I would understand. I was sitting up, couldn’t lie down. Couldn’t put a blink in my eye for wondering if when I woke up, would I still be in a world in which your words never disappeared?

     I sit here in a vast moment of unrequited love stories and undeniable truths whilst feeding an infatuation that had been starved for months. I stapled the seconds together until the time was no longer distinguishable. I was burned by a chill. Scarred into existence by waiting up for something unknown. It was hope. Wanting it to come to me. Wanting it to come alive and walk through door. Wanting it to rebuild the soul that had slipped away from this world.

     But I figured we’d just stay up past the hourglass and create new elements with our minds, create new oceans with our tongues, new mountains with our hearts. This was more important than sleep, at the top of my list, in the bottom of my heart. Sleep could wait. The words could not.

This is My World

Notebook Day 4: 5/27

The unbearably hot days were getting unfathomable. So when they sky darkened over last night, I opened my bedroom window as far as it could possibly go. I felt the first cold breeze I had felt in over two weeks. I was exulted, actually laughing from the relieving winds. Intoxicated by the smell of the rain, I stumbled out the front door and onto the lawn. The grass welcomed my shape and molded to fit around me when I laid down, and I gazed up into the sepia clouds, deep green trees surrounding the horizon. My blue skin glowed up toward the gray colored winds, as I waited for the sky to cry on me.

I flew through an abyss of time, waiting for a drop to land on my stone eyes, paper mouth, granite hand. My winter face forever drained of colors. I was hardened by reality's bright rays, dried out from giving all my strength in the heat, in my own personal drought. I was running on adrenaline, tired of hiding under covers as sunlight crawled through the outlines of the shades. Patience was the greatest asset I bared. Alone underneath a halo that acted as my umbrella, I cursed particles of light that reached the silver wind.

Nobody I told could say they related. They wore small smiles, as if to pretend they could. It's okay. I rather stay in my own world, vastly decorated with muted-color nature, as if a scene from a movie. I just quietly hummed inside my head as I prayed for a rain to fall onto my third eye and roll off onto my temples, soaking the hair there, tracing the outline of my body so it would leave an imprint of me in the earth.

Super Power

I have a secret power.

I can morph and change my communicative style
to be on the same level as somebody else.

I can understand their emotions, side with their happiness,
confidence,
anger.

People are predictable.
I know what will happen next.

Some call it being psychic.

Others call it sympathy, empathy.

Maybe it's just
being
nice.

June's rain had washed away all the pain and replaced it with a new me. I changed a lot that month, locked up in my newly painted green walls, healing my skin and my mind. Forever cold air radiated my body, a lack of sunshine proved me who I am today. I felt the agony of not being like everyone else for the first time. I felt quiet, yet inwardly at war with myself, feeling more confused than ever.

I was consumed in a "fantasy" world of sporadic love and muted violence, lost in the questions I had, "Why can't it be real?". Who says it wasn't? Human minds are often ignorant. Searching for answers, I set out to find myself, for I was the only person in the world who could do that.

What I found was quite intriguing, but highly illogical in the minds of the indifferent, even though proven scientifically correct. The disbelief was flattening my chances at evolving myself in my path of discovery. I learned that, I should be the person that I trust most. Not everyone is as incredibly, and heart-breakingly open minded as I am. In a way, it is necessary for me to know this.

Until I find truth, I will remain this way, shying away from spots of light and lingering in the shadows to find a creature as wretchedly detached from society as I am.

What might really be the answer, is that I am utterly and depressingly, psychologically set apart from the rest of the world. And no one will ever fully understand why I think certain things, and I will never fully understand why they don't think the same way.

It rained for three weeks that month.

It was a very distinct and prevalent thing to me, but nobody else seems to recall or remember how much it actually did rain. I think I know why I feel a connection to rain now. As I was shaping a new me, staring out the window into the rain, it became a part of me, as if it helped create a new mind for me. It remains, forever a piece inside of my body, a host for my thoughts.

Unbeknownst

I am unknown to the ones of my kind
When a darkness clouds the rays of sunshine.
The rain that erases the constant bleak
everyone shies, and their knees become weak.
Prevailing omnipresent blessing now,
living on ways of inspiration and how
I do not know but my people must keep,
while they are wishing and dreaming in sleep.
I will be hiding and hoping away,
that I can be seen in new light someday.

Loss

When your pen runs out of ink,
you've left it bleeding
and can no longer write because it doesn't feel the same.
Inspiration has died,
like the snap of a twig,
leaves falling in the winter,
a little too late to fix anything
with beaten hands
and clear, sad eyes.

Almost

Like walking through a dark forest
possibilities loom around ever unseen corner
that maybe misunderstood darkness will prevail
take over my mind
and nothing else will matter.
Just like that.
Almost.

Callings linger in the hearts of trees and winds and rains
The blessed spirits that calm passing creatures.
Like unspoken whispers and invisible hands
reaching out to capture my soul.
Almost.

Levels of balance structured in pieces
and tears of the sky fall to nourish
broken dreams
and broken hearts.
Like a sixth sense being drawn in.
Almost.

Notebook Day 3: 5/19

Rain can be interpreted in many ways. For some, it is a gloomy idea that suppresses any desire to do anything. For others, it is a foreshadowing concept, meant to lead on the main character in a story to his fate. Which brings us to how rain is interpreted in books.

Rain is always meant to allude to something in stories. It is involved in the reuniting of lovers, as they see each other for the first time in a long time in which their only goal was to see the other, and they run the long distance to one another and share a passionate kiss. Yea. That's what happens.

Maybe a tragic time is dramatized with pouring rain on a war battle, or a car accident. The rain pours down the faces of people in hardships like sweat and tears, and they look up and curse the sky and wonder why this has happened, as if the rain could pours answers into their head. Who knows? Maybe it can.

Sometimes a character is having bad day, and big shocker, rain decides to come, and suddenly their day is somehow much worse. They sit and sulk while they lean their head up against the window and watch the rain drops spill on the glass, silently racing downward.

In all of these, rain is an omen. Some sort of omnipresent blessing that for sure is bound to make something happen. And rain is all of these things above. It is special. Whether you want to admit it or not, some of the best things happen in the rain.

Okay, expansion to my little idea

Since I am full of a crazy junk-load of ideas, I am considering the idea of "This is my world". It will be a portion of this project that uses the people I know, and my inspiration to create what my world is like. This is going to be a video that I will attempt to post here on this blog.

Sorry for all the excessive updates, and for apologizing a lot after I write things.
-Sam

Who are you?

Just a quick thought while I have some time to kill in math class. Who are you? What makes you, you? I know I will be focusing on mostly me for this assignment, but part of me, and part of everyone involves how we are influenced by those around us. For most of us, everyday we see the same people, and spend our day with them. but sometimes, you may not even know that persons name, or some small incentive about them. You may know tons about a few of them, because you are likely to have friends. (Friends are a psychological need, so yes, you at least have acquaintances).

I am proposing a mini project within this project: to find out how I relate to everyone else by what we are inspired by. And if I fail, I'm sorry, that's okay. This is an attempted psycho-analysis by observance, something I have known to be pretty good at.

Sorry, I will tie the loose ends later.

Born from Rain

A child
conceived from anonymous wishes and dreams,
or peoples.
Unknown to anyone
for a little while,
a little quiet song in the sky.
Growing in the clouds,
inspiration darted through Zeus.

The soul was collected from the eldest.
Little pieces of wise put together
like a puzzle for the gods and parents.

And baby dropped with the rain,
showers, and bloom,
into the arms of a women
who claimed the position of mother.

But baby never new the secrets
of the great past
in which she was created.

Notebook Day 2: 5/11

It's not raining today. (boohoo). However the forecast says it may rain tomorrow, but the show must go on.

But since it is sunny and cloudless today, I figured it would be a good day to go off on one of my theories as to why rain appeals to me. We must start by looking at the sun, not literally of course. It's bright, it makes everything lit up, and the sky is blue when it comes out. It makes me want to hide in the shadows of my hair. It is, in a way, obnoxious. Sun and I don't mix. The sun is peppy and overrated to be bouncy and happy and perfect.

Rain fits by personality. It is dark, mysterious, it makes everything very defined, and overcast is never the same so it makes everything look different, whereas everything always looks the same in the sun. I am not peppy and outgoing, I'm more quiet, thoughtful, peaceful, and solemn. There is more meaning behind the curtain of clouds and hidden emotions. Rain is a stage that is involved in a cycle that travels all around the world. It is universal, so to speak.

So this must be another reason why it appeals to me. I can relate to it, it's just a little bit hard to explain. Rain feels like home.

Connectivity

This is bigger than me.

Physically, it combs through the tangled knots of Earths being.
But mentally,
it is incomprehensible.

The nature, the people
all of it.

It's connected.

The very being of me
is intrinsic
to the core of the universe.

There is karma
and balance
and good and bad to cross everything out,
like labels and scary things.

Nature is our mother
life is our song.
We are who we are because of who was before us.
We have a blessing. We are the misused omen.

Not scientific, but idealistic,
purposeful and complete.

Everything happens for a reason.

Notebook: Day One:5/8

I am getting a headstart, it was irresistible.

I woke up this morning with my head buzzing with thoughts. I wasn't aware that I was conscious until I noticed two things. One: it wasn't a school day so I had absolutely nothing to be frantic about. As soon as my thoughts had shut up I could relax and notice thing number two: I could hear the rain outside. Once I realized it was raining I was elated, exalted, yet peaceful.

I love the rain. I love it more than the sun. In fact most of the time, I dislike the sun. It is too bright and warm and gives me a headache and a sunburn. Both of of those things are unneeded. So, my infatuation with rain grows. When it rains, my insides seem to float, like they are being coaxed out by the rain. I want to go too. It may seem strange or dramatic, but when I asked myself why I love rain so much, the answer came surprisingly fast, and I think it is a one of two or three reasons I love rain (and I haven't figured out the other two or three completely yet so I will let you know.)

So reason one as to why I love the rain: it appeals to all five of my senses. I love the way rain looks, sounds, smells, tastes, and feels. It creates an essence for the day. Everything turns lush, accented green, and healthy looking, and is compliented by the gray sky, and darkened gray pavement. The rain hits against my windows and roof rhythmically, like a song that lulls me to sleep. It makes the air smell and taste clean and fresh. And it cleansing my skin whenever I go out in it. I feel new and light, like I could run somewhere, with incredible speed and never get tired.

After the rain, everthing is calm and beautiful. Almost like the rain is still there, having kissed every surface. When it is cloudy, it is like the rain is almost there, but if it never comes, I find myself anxious, sitting on the edge of my seat. But now that it has rained today, I can feel at one with myself, for reasons I can not yet explain, but hopefully will be able to after more of these notebook entries.

Written Proposal

This is the second project I will be tackling with this blog. This assignment focuses on the question "Who or what inspires you?". I will be exploring what inspires me, and how it inspires me to do something. My inspiration is nature, and things that are natural, such as rain, forests and emotions, and it inspires me to create something, such as a poem, or a song (my passion). In this multi-genre blog, I will write a notebook, marking "days of inspiration". These will be days when it rains, or times when I experience or notice an unusual emotion. To show my inspiration, I will write poems, or songs and share them here. For further genres, I will make signs and take photographs and of the things that inspire me. And for my final trick, all of this will be done on June 7th.

Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver

Sorry, but I couldn't finish blogging about Hush, Hush, because I am just flying through books too fast.

I have reached my final book of this assignment. This book is called "Before I Fall" and is about a popular girl and her friends who get into a car accident, and the girl must relive this day seven times to somehow solve the mysteries around her, and discover the meaning of her life. This girl and I share a namesake: Sam. Sam and her friends :Lindsey, Elody, and Alli, are at the top of the food chain in high school. They go to all the parties and get all the boys. Sam knows that some of the things she does are not nice or fair, but she still does them because that is how it is supposed to be. She sees things so differently than I do. She feels like in high school, there is a circle, and you are either in it, or out of it. I know this not to be true because I have been right on the line. Her life is superficial in a lot of ways. Sure she has great friends and has fun, not always the best kind of fun, but she sees no wrong in that.

When she wakes up on February twelfth in her home in Connecticut, she feels normal. No foreshadowing feeling in her gut. It is cupid day, and Sam and her friends purposely dress the same, and they compete to see who will receive the most valograms, or roses. The day is great. In fact, Sam and her boyfriend Rob are supposed to make love for the first time that night. I get the feeling it isn't the smartest idea, I just can't picture it. Sam actually admits to the reader that she doesn't like the way he kisses, and she is only doing this to get it over with, because she doesn't want to make a big deal out of being a virgin. They are invited to a party at Kent Mcfuller's house. At the party there is much drinking and drama. Rob is there, completely drunk, and Sam is having second thoughts. Then a girl, Juliet Skyes; a girl Lindsey had always picked on for no reason, shows up. She looks pretty, and Sam and her friends never knew how pretty she was. Juliet walks up to Sam and her friends and calls them (individually) a...female dog. Sam is a little shocked. Everybody starts pouring booze over Juliet's head, and pushing her across the room. Sam subconsciously is doing the same, and then she tries to find the bathroom, a place to escape, and Kent tells her "I see right through you". Though Sam doesn't realize it right then, people are confronting her, and telling her that she isn't has great as she thinks she is. Leaving with her friends, they drive home in the rain. Lindsey is smoking and suddenly her cigarette drops between her thighs, Elody and Alli are fighting under the stress, and the iPod, and Sam is yelling at them trying to get them to calm down. But then the car starts to swerve and turns all over the places and into the woods. Sam has time to smell the fire burning. Then, blackness.

All of a sudden, she wakes up, and she is in her bed. The date on her phone is February twelfth. Lindsey comes by to pick her up, but shows no recollection of anything that Sam has experienced. Throughout the day, Sam thinks she is going crazy, wondering why she is living this day over again. Things happen similarly, despite a few changes. She slowly goes through the motions of the day, right through the party, and driving home, experiencing death again. And she wakes up on February twelfth.

I think Sam is going to realize the effect she has on people, and the damage she has done. I also believe she will try to make things right. This book reminds me of the movie Groundhogs Day, where the man has to relive the day until he sets things "right".

Hush, Hush- to page 128

This book was so great, I flew right through it. I will try to sum it up quicker than I usually would do, so I can move on to my next book, giving you the predictions I had at the time.

Patch continues to brood in a mysterious, dangerous, attractive manner. He tends to appear wherever she is, and Nora starts to wonder if he is stalking her. Nora finds herself feeling strange about him. She experiences strange events since she met him. A figure in a black ski mask keeps showing up in her life. The first night she see it (let's assume it is a he), he hits her car and starts tearing up the door. When she drives back to her friend Vee's house, there is no damage to the car. It just...disappeared. At this point in the book, I thought the figure in the ski mask was Patch, but he was in some sort of weird state of mind, because I didn't believe he would do act this way so openly around Nora. I didn't think he wanted to scare her like that.

The next day, Nora and Vee meet a guy, new to the school. His name is Elliot, they also meet his friend Jules. They develop a camaraderie with the two. But Nora and Vee have some sleuthing to do, they are going to sneak into the permanent records and look at Patch's file. But when Nora gets to it, it is empty. This makes it more difficult to be around him, because as much as he is seductive, he is scary. He seems genuinely interested, and if it wasn't for Nora's uneasy feeling around him, she would probably accept his invitation to go out.

Elliot is in Nora's gym class. He is a team captain, and picks Nora first, even though she is not good at sports, but he doesn't know that. He is putting on the show of showing her how to swing the bat in the whole hit-on-a-girl-by-putting-arms-around-her-and-show-her-how-to-do-something way. While she is up to bat, she hears a voice in her head, Patch's voice. She looks around, and he is standing behind the fence. He is giving her directions to the game, and he gets a home run, however freaked out about him telepathically communicating with her.

Vee and Nora meet Elliot and Jules at an amusement park. They are in the arcade, and Nora sees Patch there. Nora tries to stay clear of his path. Jules goes to the bathroom, but he doesn't come back. He seems to come up with excuses to leave a lot. Elliot offers the talk to Patch for Nora, but Nora says she will do it herself. She approaches him, and he tries to convince her to ride the Archangel with him, she refuses and goes back. She tells Vee and Elliot she needs a snack so she heads off. On her way there, she see the strange figure again. But then she runs into Patch, and he convinces her if she can ride the ride without screaming, he will tell the coach to switch seats in biology. On the ride she notices her seat belt had come undone and then the coaster veered a sharp turn and she fell out of she ride, onto the tracks and then into the air, falling to her death. But the next thing she knew, the ride pulled into platform. Freaked out, they go back to the arcade, Vee and Elliot and Jules nowhere to be found. They search the parking lot for a while, and can't call because Nora's phone is dead. She is forced to get a ride home from Patch, on his scary motorcycle. At Nora's house, Patch pretty much invites himself inside, and starts making dinner, an awkward/frightening situation. When he is holding the knife, Nora feels like she is in danger. So would I, if I were in her situation. In fact, I think I am a lot like Nora, so I would feel the same in most all situations. So she asks him to puts the knife, down and he denies any possible plans to hurt her. But before she can help it, they are almost kissing, they have an unspoken attraction it seems.

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick

Well, I am on to my third book of the assignment. I think this is going to be my favorite. I am already 200 pages into it, and I got it last night. Hush, Hush is one of those books that could be boring, because it is long and we haven't figured out what is going on yet, even half way through the book, but it is the opposite of boring. It is riveting, a page turner. It takes place in my home state: Maine. I was excited to read a book where I could really imagine the surroundings.

The main character is Nora. She is a high school student in Coldwater, Maine. (Is this a real place? I don't believe so...) In the first chapter, she is in biology class with her best friend Vee. They are going to start a new topic, sex. They get a new seating chart. Nora is assigned to sit next to a new boy. He is a transfer, never been to school before. He has black eyes. They have to do an assignment in which they studied each other and write an essay on the other person. His name is Patch. He is a sly, cool type of guy. He is brooding, attractive, mysterious. He is flirtatious. He fills his sentence structures with subtle innuendos. But the disturbing thing is, he just knows stuff about Nora. He knows about her school clubs, her beliefs, what colleges she wants to get into, and he just goes on about it, as if he is not talking about her, provoking her. He manages to guess everything about her, and gives off nothing about himself. He seems dangerous.

I believe this book is about angels. The cover is of an angel falling from the sky, and so far in the book there have been many angel references. I will tell you my predictions when I have blogged enough for them to make sense.

...I'll Be Dead- to the end

I have finished the book, but I have definetely not finished blogging about it, so I will quickly sum it up so I can begin blogging about my next book.

Daelyn continues erasing herself. She has less than two weeks now. She spends a lot of time online. But she decides to IM Santana. She asks him if she could borrow his laptop, and spells her name out for him. On through-the-light she sees the way to go "drowning". She decides she will use this method.

The next day, Santana comes over to Daelyn when she is sitting on the bench, pulling a cart of laptops. Computer freak. She borrows his small, new laptop, telling him she only needs it for ten days.

Back online. She goes to the sexual assault forum and tells her story. A popular boy, a little older than she was, he was in eighth grade, started walking by Daelyn after school or in the halls. He got Daelyn to fall for him, though they barely spoke. One day Daelyn forgot her lunch money so she went to her locker to get it, and the boy was there in the hall with his friends. They came up to her and started provoking her. They took her money and ran into the boys bathroom and she chased them. They surrounded her, they touched her and undressed her. They left her in a stall, she was sticking and bloated. They told on her. They told the teacher that she was a pervert, hiding in there and watching the boys. She didn't tell anybody the truth, because they threatened to kill her.

Santana confronts her. The night before he had IMed her but she didn't respond. He says she should stick to the agreement that made for Daelyn to borrow his laptop, she has to communicate with him. He tells her he is lonely. He doesn't have any friends because he is homeschooled. He has Hodgkins Lymphoma. Cancer. Daelyn's not sure if she believes this. Or wants to believe it.

Emily is continuing to be nice to her. Daelyn isn't sure how she feels about that. Santana is pushing their relationship. He grabs her arm and looks at the scars there. He wants to know if she was scared. Good question. They develop an understanding. He calls her, six days before she goes. He asks her if she wants to have dinner on his birthday, which is the same day she is supposed to die. She hangs up on him.

At five days, she comes clean on the final forum for bullied. She tells the story of fat camp. She spent a summer there, in Arizona. The counselors were college students, they yelled at you and called you names. There method for making you lose weight was making you feel so horrible about yourself and making you believe that you were disgusting and ugly, so you wanted to lose the fat faster. They didn't use your name. The kids at camp were called by their weight number. At night, they played tapes to convince you that you were fat and had to lose weight in order to feel good about yourself. It was the worst experience of Daelyn's life. It didn't help her situation. They made her hate herself

At four days, Kim tells Daelyn that she will go to Santana's house in the afternoon. Daelyn doesn't want to do this. But she hasn't a choice. After school Santana is their with his Mom Ariel and they take her into their home. Everything is sterilized. Daelyn hears about their life. About Santana's dad (died before he was born). During this conversation Daelyn actually laughs. Santana hears this, and he's shocked. Ariel has to rush off to work so they are left alone. Daelyn decides she will do homework.

At two days, Chip arranges for Daelyn to go to Santana's place again after school. Oh boy. And Daelyn has been reminded that she can try to talk again now because her vocal chords are probably healed up.

In choir, a mean girl picks on Emily for being fat. Daelyn writes her a note and passes it to her. It says "She'll go to hell. They all will. If hell will even have them. Elbow me if I'm singing flat." It makes Emily laugh.

At Santana's, he orders pizza and makes root beer floats. They sit in on the living room floor while they eat, and Santana asks if she wants to watch the documentary he has made about his life with cancer. It gets a little tough to watch with videos of Santana going through chemotherapy. Santana takes Daelyn's hand. Emotions. Santana kisses Daelyn, but she pulls away soon enough. She can relate it to other times with other intentions. When she is back at home Santana messages her. He apoligizes. She knows about his life now so he asks about hers. He asks about why she has to wear the neck brace. But he says she doesn't have to answer and he signs off. But she keys back anyway. She had drank ammonia and bleach so she could die.

With one day left, Daelyn is sitting with Emily in the chapel at school. They are enjoying each others company. After a while Emily announces that her mom is sending her to fat camp. Daelyn stops. She takes Emily and says "No. Don't. Go." She SAYS it. These are the first words she has spoken in a long, long time. She speaks because she doesn't want Emily to suffer what she did, she doesn't want Emily to turn into her.

Sitting on the bench, Santana sits down next to her quietly, he says he saw her last message. He couldn't believe it. Daelyn starts to cry, and he hold her to his chest while she sobs. He says "You heal me. I heal you". Daelyn bonds herself to him. Then he says she never answered his question. And she asks him aloud "What question?". He is surprised to hear her speak. He asks her again if she wanted to have dinner with him on his birthday.

On the Day of Determination, Daelyn deletes her account. She looks around the room. There is no more Daelyn Rice. She has gotten rid of everything she ever was. Her dad calls to her. She sticks Santana's laptop in her bag and leaves. I was worried that the book would end like this; it sort of leaves it open for you to decide what happens, but I am pretty sure Daelyn chooses life. She has gotten rid of her past. She has found love, a friend. She can no longer be called "freak" anymore. The last line says "It's time. With detemination and purpose, I head into the light." By light I think she means she is heading into a new, better era of her life, and she is ready.

I'll Be Dead...-to page 74

In the fourth grade, Daelyn was invited to a birthday party. She was excited, she had never been invited to anything before. She wore a nice dress and showed up at the house. No one was home when they knocked. They turned around and saw from the second story of the house across the street, a window of girls laughing. Kim didn't get it, saying they had the wrong address, but Daelyn told her mom she had made a mistake, and they should go home. The closest she ever came to having a friend was when a new girl (like her) sat with at lunch one day. She was from a foreign country and sat with Daelyn, talking away at her. Daelyn didn't say anything, she wasn't mute then but she was close to tears that this girl was sharing her company.

Everything is numbered. Daelyn counts everything. Including the days until her life is over. She sits down on the bench, Santana on the other side. He scoots a note toward her. She decides not to ignore it. It says "I'm sorry. I didn't know you couldn't talk. I just assumed you had amazing self control. You'd have to, to spurn my advances." Yes. He says things like that. A lot. He starts playing games with her. He slides her a note asking how to spell her name with a bunch of impossible spellings, and one where she is supposed to fill in her name, asking him out. He asks if she wants him to go away she should blink once. She does. He asks if she is playing hard to get she should blink once. She blinks, then realizes what she just did...he is just taking advantage of the fact that she is mute now. Daelyn runs to the car when her mom pulls up. Santana follows. Persistence.

Daelyn does the math. Fifteen days. That's 360 hours. Her life will have come to a full circle.

Daelyn has been through a lot of bullying. Her dad, Chip, told her "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". A classic saying, that is so not true. My grandmother is an anti-bullying activist and she says: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will rip my heart out. This is absolutely true. Physical wounds heal much faster than mental wounds. This is the way Daelyn feels also. She has not gotten over any of the childhood names she was called, all the times she was excluded.

Daelyn has 2 weeks left now. She is on her computer in the morning and discovers a note Santana left her. She opens it up and it says Hervehotsu. On the back it says IM me. She doesn't want to set herself up like that. At school, she gets a test grade back. It's a D-. The girl next to her grabs her paper and extends the legs on the D so it looks like an A-. She smiles at Daelyn. Why did people have to make contact now?

By The Time You Read This...-to page 55

Daelyn's mom offers to take her for a drive to a place they used to go when she was little. She doesn't want to go but she doesn't have much of a choice. While they are driving, Kim (her mom) tells Daelyn a story about how in high school she tried out for Pom-poms. Kim isn't athletic at all so she didn't really want to, but her friend Bonnie asked her to because they had to try out in pairs. Kim realized that she actually wanted to be in Pom-poms, she had never been popular and this was her chance. They did the routine and Kim did better than she had ever done. She had her hopes up. The list came out. They were the only team where one person made it and one person didn't. Daelyn had thought that her mom had actually made it. She didn't. And it just proves further to Daelyn that she can't trust anything in life. She can't control the things that happen to her.

The place they were heading for was closed down, so they turned back around. Daelyn wonders if her mom actually knew this. When they get home, Daelyn finds that her dad has installed a router to her computer so they can monitor her websites. They are not helping her. They are just taking away her privacy. Only another reason to take her life.

Day seventeen, sitting on the bench after school. The boy, Santana is sitting there still. He is using a little laptop, reading the weather, which he loves. He is trying to attract Daelyn's attention, and pulls out his pet rat. She is repulsed by this, and tries to walk away. He apologizes and asks her to come back, and she does because it's either that or go back into the school. Her mom pulls up to the curb and runs away from him. She gets in the car and motions for her mom to drive but Santana comes up to the window and introduces himself, and his rat. Kim gets a little freaked out. Santana backs up and they drive away.

On through-the-light, Daelyn is trying to decide a way to go. She reads about carbon monoxide poisoning and jumping off buildings. She hears her dad in the hallway. She decides she wants to die at home. She doesn't want to be mutilated so badly she won't be able to be identified, she doesn't want her parents to suffer the unnecessary.

Day sixteen. Daelyn is in chorus. This is completely ironic since Daelyn doesn't have the ability to sing. It's sort of a joke. It makes the other kids feel awkward. She doesn't even pretend to sing, but she only has to endure standing there because she wants to see what the others have reduced her to: a joke.

She sits on the bench outside, Santana a mere foot or so away. If at any point in his one way conversation, she feels any sort of change of heart or attraction, she tells herself to ignore it, to push away all feeling. She doesn't want any one to come into her life now, she feels it's too late for that. It is a shame too because, as nerdy and lame as he is, Santana is a nice guy, he just has abolutely no experience with women. He starts to talk more about his life and asks if she wants to IM. But then her mom pulls up she gets in the car and Santana follows her there. He introduces himself more formally and she introduces herself back, giving away Daelyn's name. When he says Daelyn is a "women of few words", Kim also gives away that Daelyn cannot speak. Daelyn rolls up the window so she won't say anymore.

BTTYRTIBD-to page 37

I feel bad for Daelyn, because she has to eat all of her food blended. That's disgusting. I have a lot of reasons to feel bad for her. She doesn't trust her dad. She can't laugh. She is utterly and desperately unhappy.

Daelyn spends some time everyday with the unusual site through-the-light. She reads the message boards, the list of people whose date has already gone by, and she counts how old they were. She wants to go. She hates life.

She sits on the bench still, waiting for her parents. The boy still sits with her. I'm not sure if he has picked up that she cannot talk, he just thinks she is ignoring him. He tries to talk to her, make small talk, or strange talk. He tries to make her laugh, but it's too late for Daelyn, she doesn't want anybody new in her life, even if they are just preppy losers. She ignores him by reading her romance novel. Her dad pulls up at the curb, and she escapes.

On through-the-light there is a section called "ways to go". They rate effectiveness, pain and availability. She reads the section about exsanguination (bleeding to death). She reads the facts about the best way to do and realizes she had made mistakes when she had tried this. (So I was right about this being her suicide of choice). Daelyn decides she is going to rid of any trace of her existence. She is going to throw out all of her old junk, and she has twenty-one days to do it.

Next day on through-the-light, Daelyn is reading the forum. People write about how many times they have tried. Some end up in a hospital. Daelyn has had that happen. It's a hectic situation that ruins everyone's day. But it won't happen again.

Day nineteen, Daelyn writes in the forum titled Bullied. She writes about being picked on for being overweight. Others write back, they know how she feels. Her mom enters the room and Daelyn clicks down the screen. She is just saying hi, the kind of hi that you cannot wait to get over because you are busy doing something else that you don't want to continue with her right there.

She has an appointment with her parents and her therapist. From what I counter, Daelyn is an only child. That must be tough, carrying all of your parents hopes and dreams, just you alone, no one to fall back on. The therapist asks if she has been happy. Her dad says she has a friend which shocks her mom and the therapist. He is talking about the weird boy. Her mom doesn't like it. She says he is so punk or gangster. He is so far from that it's not even okay. Daelyn's mom must be not exactly in with the new. Daelyn writes a note that says no. This disappoints her parents.

I want to know if Daelyn will actually follow through with the suicide. I think she will. I think she will be happier that way.

By the Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead by Julie Anne Peters- to page 12

I have started by second book. It is about a girl named Daelyn, who is dumb (in the sense that she can't talk). She is under 24-hour suicide watch. She wants to die. As soon as possible. She narrates the story somewhat sarcastically, subtly I think. She finds a website called Through-the-Light.com, where people go for suicide. After she clicks yes on the terms and agreements and all the questions, the site asks her to press her finger to the screen. Please wait., it says. Daelyn swore she felt heat go touch her finger. It asks her another question to which she answers yes and the text says "Thank you Daelyn Rice". She never gave the website her name. The computer had taken some sort of fingerprint maybe. It gave her an ID, which was some numbers and some letters. But the funny thing was, the numbers were her birthday. The site tells her that her "Date of Determination" (DOD) will be in 23 days. (The book is set up so that the chapters are days, chapter one is 23 days, chapter two [this one] is 22 days...etc). She wants the date to be sooner, but the date has to be at least 23 days away.

She sits everyday, reading on a bench waiting for one of her parents to pick her up. Lately this boy has been coming up to her and sitting next to her everyday. As she is reading, he starts to dance in front of her, which both Daelyn and I think is really lame. She ignores him and her dad pulls up. They go home for the night.

I am anxious to know why Daelyn is this way. I also want to know what is going on with the boy. The picture on the cover of the book is intriguing me also, the rose petals; they may be symbolic but I'm not sure. She also appears to be naked, and possibly in a bathtub. Some people kill them selves in bathtubs, they bleed themselves until the blood loss is so significant, they can no longer live. This may be her suicide of choice.

After-to the end (page 350)

Dom calls Dr. Bacon to the stand. This was one of the most interesting parts of the book for me, because I finally got to know what was going on inside Devon's head. Dr. Bacon says that denial is a defense mechanism, and this is what Devon used. Devon's painful reality was when she first had sex, and that triggered everything else. She denied to herself that she ever had sex at all. So, in her head, it never happened, so she couldn't possibly be pregnant. She denied this because she did not want to be like her mother, she was determined to be the extreme opposite from her mother. Devon set up rule number one: no sexual activity, and then she broke it, which is unforgivable in her mind. Devon did not use protection because if she did, it would have been like she had planned to have sex. Not only did Devon deny it, but everyone around her did also. Either they didn't notice or they didn't say anything. So, it came time for the birth. For eight or nine months, no pregnancy or baby existed for Devon. Most women would be picking out clothes and names and nursery wall colors, but for Devon there was no baby. So when it finally came, she had to continue to hide it, just like she had been doing to herself and others. To Devon, the baby wasn't a living thing. So she scooped it up with all the evidence and threw it away. Out of sight, out of mind. Devon is somewhat shocked that Dr. Bacon had concluded all of this from the few times she has spoken with her. Dr. Bacon continues to say that most women who abandon their babies are not planning to kill their baby. It's just a matter of panic. Devon realizes she's not the only one.

The prosecutor has his closing remarks. He talks about how this baby was destined to the landfill, an anonymous graveyard. Devon wonders if she really had meant for that to happen. Devon remembers more. She comes back from the kitchen with a trash bag, intense pain all over. She sees IT flailing in the sink, she peers into the basin, hesitates for a moment and then tosses a towel over the baby and scoops it up and bundles it into the bag. She empties the waste basket into the bag also, and heads outside to the garbage bin behind the apartment. She yanks open the lid, closes her eyes and drops the bag amongst the other trash.

Dom makes her closing remarks, contrasting with the prosecutor who spoke of a plan, Dom says the whole story was of a lack of a plan. Devon never planned any of this. She says Devon should stay in the juvenile detention center because she needs therapy, and adult jail does not have that. The judge comes to a decision, whether or not to keep Devon at Remann Hall until trial or not. He decides that Devon will stay in custody here until the trial. Dom congratulates Devon. Devon's mom is excited. They had one. But Devon still feels like she lost.

Devon, her mom, and Dom step into the conference room. Dom is happy, talking about all the possibilities and how she thinks they have a good chance of winning. "This whole thing could go away," she says. But Devon says she wants to plead guilty at the trial. She knows what she did was wrong, and she feels bad about it. She had hoped her baby was dead, even though she never planned to kill it. She knows she should have to face the consequences, even if it means giving up some of her life. She wants to plead guilty because she is guilty. Dom complies, promising Devon the best deal she can get. Then, Devon feels free. She is no longer bound to this. She has won.

After- to page 326

The state calls Dr. Kaital, the doctor who examined Devon in September, and tries to get the doctor so say whether or not he though Devon was trying to decieve him, but there is an objection from Dom. The prosecutor finishes, and Dom cross examines Dr. Kaital. Basically, to keep it short, she comes up with the fact that it is common umongst pregnant women to spot, and a lot of female teenagers have irregular periods, so Devon could have easily mistaken this from menstruation, a reason she from which she could conclude that she wasn't pregnant.


The judge calls a lunch break. Dom says they are doing well. Devon's mom shows up, cheery and bright as if nothing bad has happened. Her mom breaks down, being as emotional as she is. She apoligizes for not coming to visit her. She says she had gone to visit her mother, whom she hadn't seen in seventeen years. She had also gone to see Devon's baby, but the nurse wouldn't let her, because the baby had been put into foster care, with so many families wanting to take her in, which is good so the baby can have a normal life. Her mom asks her why she didn't tell her. She had been through all of that before, she had given birth to Devon when she was just sixteen. Devon realizes this. Her mom had been through similar stuff, yet she hadn't tried to kill Devon. Dom comes back in, and says she isn't going to put her mom on the stand because she's too unpredictible.

Dom calls Henrietta to the stand. Henrietta nods her head and says 'okay' a lot. She states that Devon is a very special girl, and she has gotten to honor status faster than any other Henrietta has ever seen. She says Devon is very smart and responsible. After Henrietta, Dom calls up Devon's coach, Mark Dougherty he says that Devon has always been a leader, a responsible player, one of the hardest workers he has had, and one of his favorite athletes and students. He talks about how Devon can be hard on herself, if she misses a ball, she gets quiet and goes off on her own for a while. The prosecutor cross examines. He asks the coach if he was aware that Devon's injuries her not covered on her medical record. He says her record must be incomplete, he says that he trusts her enough to know what is best for her. If she says she couldn't play, he takes that seriously and believes she has a good reason for it because she sometimes shows up to practices coughing and sneezing, still doing whatever she can to play. The prosecutor asks if she had told him she was pregnant, he would have helped her? He says if she had trusted him enough, he would have done everything her could to help her. He and Devon met eyes then. He says he would have been one hundred percent there for her.

Dom calls Debbie Evans to the stand. Devon has babysat Debbie's twins for two years. She says Devon has at times, babysat the kids from eight AM to five PM. She fed them, played with them, and even helped potty train them. Debbie says that she did a better job than the previous college nanny they had hired. Devon didn't do anything wrong then. Dom asks if, knowing Devon's charges, would she ever have Devon babysit her children again? She says yes, and she says she did not believe Devon actually planned on hurting her baby. Debbie steps down. Devon realizes that all those people - Coach Mark, Debbie, Henrietta, Kait, her mom-they don't hate her. They care about her. With this epiphany, Devon starts to cry.

I will give you the end of the book soon. :)

After- to page 286

Devon goes inside the conference room to talk to Dom. She doesn't tell her about what she had remembered. Dom tells her that she went to speak with her soccer coach. He told Dom that Devon had had an injury that incapacitated Devon for several weeks and she could not play. Dom holds no record of this. Devon didn't lie about the injury, but she didn't go to a doctor, too expensive. She looked up her injuries online and some treatments as well. She didn't tell anyone. Dom tells her that she robbed her mother an opportunity to make a good decision for her. Dom thinks it's all crap. She accuses Devon of being afraid that the doctor would find she was pregnant. But Devon didn't know she was pregnant. Though, she looks back on it all and wonder if she really didn't know. Her subconscious might have been telling her that. She should have known, she thought this to herself. She noticed a bump on her stomach, she thought she was getting fat. She started wearing looser clothes because they were comfortable. She avoided looking at herself, or touching herself.

Dom questions her about her friends. Devon has one close friend, Kait. Everyone else is more like an acquaintance. Devon doesn't talk much, she sits quietly and lets the conversation flow around her. But she never told anyone about Conner. The next morning, Devon asks herself these questions, lying in bed. She thinks back over the last few months. She realizes how alone she had been. She had been invited places, to parties or study groups, but she declined. Most days at school she had eaten lunch in the library or not at all. She would sit in the bathroom or someone else away from people. Why had she pushed away and repelled herself from everyone and everything? Eventually, the calls and invites stopped coming. Nobody bothered talking to her in the halls between classes. Only her mom and her coach tried to stay engaged. Kait was hard to shake off. She constantly was asking Devon if she was mad at her, or where she has been. Kait finally wrote Devon a letter, and put it into her locker, but Devon crumpled it and threw it into the trash, Kait standing right behind her, unbeknownst to Devon until after, and then Kait stayed away too.

She gets out of bed, earlier than Wake Up time. She paces around and sees Ms. Coughran outside her window. Ms. Coughran sees her too, and opens Devon's door and tells her she wants to talk to her. She has gotten Devon's report cards and such and sees how smart Devon actually is. She says that she wants Devon to be part of a program in the center -with two others-so she won't fall behind on her grades, because the school at the detention center is based at a seventh grade level. She also tells Devon that the staff wants to bump her up to Honor status.

In class later that day, Karma is back, and there is a woman in a wheelchair there to talk to the class. Karma sits down next to Devon and tries to provoke her again, but Devon talks back this time, she stands up for herself, and tells Karma to back off. The woman- Paula- starts to talk. She talks about how she got into a wheelchair. All the girls get hooked on the story. She was seventeen, and was the first to drink at a party, and then she dove into a swimming pool that was only four feet deep, and she broke her neck. At some point in the story, Karma and Devon glance at each other and Karma smiles shyly. The speaker talks about how the first thing people notice about her is her wheelchair. She says she has a life sentence. When she was young she made some bad decisions that she has to suffer the consequences for now. But the girls before her don't have a life sentence. They have a second chance. They shouldn't let the past define you they are. There is still tension between Karma and Devon, but they are slowly arriving to better terms. Ms. Coughran has them right a paper about a bad decision that they have made and a consequence for themselves and people around them. The girls are actually attentive and thoughtful. Devon thinks for a while. She chooses to write about being alone and how she repelled everything away. If she hadn't isolated herself, and had opened up and trusted, where would she be? Possibly-not here. It's never a good thing to be alone.

The next day, Devon has her hearing. She is up early, groomed and presentable as possible. She learns that she will be sitting next to Dom the whole time. Dom tells her the people who have testified, some will be there and some have written letters: Her coach, Ms. Coughran, Henrietta, her guidance counselor, a mother of some children she babysat, Kait (found this out later than present) and her mom. They enter the court room, Dom has given Devon a pad of paper to write stuff down-anything she wants Dom to say, or wants to ask. The judge enters, her mom says hi to her from behind, but she doesn't reply. The prosecutor begins his opening statement. He goes on for a long time about the negatives about Devon and how she neglected this baby when it was a figure the baby is supposed to rely on. Then the defense (Dom) makes a small opening statement just telling the judge to keep and open mind. The prosecutor calls his first witness, the man you first found the baby, inside a trash bag, shaking violently and blue all over from lack of air. The next witness is Detective Ron Woods, the man who came to Devon's house and found out that she was the one who did it. The prosecutor asks if Jennifer Davenport gave him permission to enter the house, he says yes. Devon goes back in her memory and runs over the situation, never did her mother formally say that he could enter and never did he ask. Devon writes a note to Dom telling her that she didn't give him permission, she was hitting on him. They request a recess.

If they can prove that her mother did not give permission to this man to enter the house, the evidence found inside would not be admissible in the court. Back in the court room now, Dom questions Ron Woods, and finds that he was not formally invited into the Davenport residence. The next witness is the baby's pediatrician, Dr. More. They discuss a bruise that was found on the baby's head, most likely "blows to the head by the hand of the mother".

Devon remembers That Night. She was terribly frightened. She didn't know that she was pregnant until it happened. She was under an incredible amount of stress and physical pain. Still, I cannot understand her state of mind. If it were me, I think...I know I would have handled the situation better. She cut the umbilical cord with a pair of clippers and shoved what was still attached to her back up inside herself. The baby lay on the floor in between her legs, screaming. Devon couldn't take the screaming. It was all too much. She picked up the baby by its head, her hands pressed together ever so slightly, telling it to shut up. The bathroom was covered in blood, urine and other gunky liquids. She was worried that her mom would freak out if she saw this, which, if I do say so myself, wasn't exactly the biggest situation at hand. For what I conclude, Devon did not love this baby. She did not care for it at all. She wanted all of this to go away. She wants to clean everything up, so she picks up the baby to put it in the sink, but intense pain breaks out across her abdomen and the baby slips from Devon's grasp and slides into the sink, the unsupported head snapping back and slams into the faucet. She heads into the kitchen for a trash bag. This part made me sick, for obvious reasons. To me, hurting a child is one of the worse things you could ever do. They are too innocent, too helpless.

I will post up to what I have read tomorrow (309), this blog is getting too long!

I Remember Where I Was When...

...I came to visit my kindergarten class. I had moved away a few months prior, and I came back to say hello, which usually wouldn't happen, so it is sort of a strange event now that I think about it. I was escorted by my mother into the somewhat familiar walls of my old school, Eliza Libby-with the mascot of a sneaker. I stepped into the doorway of that classroom that had always seemed so big to me-the cubbies, the desks, the bookshelf, still all where they were before. I hadn't taken two steps when I was bombarded with my old classmates. The strange thing was, I couldn't remember who they were. I had no recollection of ever being with these strangers. It was uncomfortable. That is the only thing I remember. I can't remember why I was there at all, or what we did after things settled down. I just remember the feeling of unease.

After- to page 205

At the beginning of chapter twelve, Devon has a meeting with Dom, in which she tells her for the first time that she never knew she was pregnant. Dom has Devon tell her more about this boy. So Devon tells her the story about where they met: Devon had been babysitting some kids and took them swimming at a swim club, where she met for the first time this boy. He had been swimming and had come to dry off, for his stuff was next to Devon. He noticed the book she was reading and they started to talk about books and other things they had in common. Devon internally reflects things about him-he lives in Denver, his eyes are green. Dom asks her when she last saw him. She doesn't say aloud but she remembers him driving her home, the car full of awkward silence, the night they had sex. She does tell Dom about how he called and texted her numerous times, but she never answered.

In all of this, Devon is reluctant. She doesn't like talking about her sex life, because she doesn't want to become her mother, who has frequent affairs. And then, Devon says it; "I hate her", an anchor that has been tied around her heart is lifted. She resents her mother for neglecting her, for making her raise herself, for causing her fear when she left her alone as a child, for putting expectations on her, for the crappy apartments, for simply not being a mother to her, for not being by her now. Dom makes Devon promise she will cooperate with the psychiatrist later. She obliges.

His name is Conner.
Devon had to give out this bit of information. Dom said he had the right to know. I'm not sure if he will come back into the picture yet.

In the classroom, a guest speaker-Allison- comes in to talk about Growing Up. They talk about adults invading privacy. I think a lot of teenagers feel this way. When an adult monitors your social life by reading your texts or messages. It is an invasion of privacy, even if the adult is only trying to make sure their child is safe. They need to trust their child. If they can't trust them, then they need to get some help. The class makes a list of things that happen when you get to a certain age. When they get to age twelve, someone says you can stay home alone, and Karma whispers beside Devon "Did that when I was five." and Devon thinks so did I. I start to see a connection between these two. Not like they are friends, but they have some similarities. Then, Devon gets called out to see the psychiatrist Dr. Bacon, and Devon tells her everything.

At dinner, Devon is eating lasagna and Karma comes over to provoke her. Karma starts to eat Devon's food, and when she is done, breaks off the end of the sporks and tucks it away in her bra. Devon remembers that she saw Karma's arm once, all cut up and scarred. Karma says that the dead can't bleed and the living can, and sometimes she needs a reminder that she is still alive. Devon watches as Karma walks away, she sees the girl push into another girl-Jenevra- and Jenevra shoves back and they both laugh. And Devon knows what Karma wants. "She just wants someone to push back."

In this next I start to notice Devon having more interaction with the other girls, she can get along with them, which I think she will need, since she is all alone.
It's Saturday morning. A girl named Macee is jumping around telling everyone that her mom is coming. She asks Devon if her mom is coming, and Devon says she really doubts it. Devon has been having trouble not thinking about her mom. She is trying to accept that she will probably never see her again. She spends most of the day reading, but someone calls her name. It's Jenevra, flanked by two other girls. They ask if Devon wants to play basketball. Devon isn't sure if she is cleared by a doctor yet but she goes anyway. Devon has a good time. She has missed being athletic and likes the adreneline and sweat. Though her thighs are aching, she is glad she played. When they break, the girls talk. Devon learns the names of the other girls-Evie and Sam. Jenevra asks Devon if she plays much and Devon says no, but Evie says she plays soccer. Devon has no idea how she knows this, but Evie says she goes to the same high school as Devon. Devon feels with a pang of fear that she is not anonymous here.

They go inside and hear a scream. It's Karma. She is making a fuss, being chased down by some security men. Everybody is sent to Lockdown in their cells.
Devon wakes up, realizing she had fallen asleep in her cell. She sees Karma being wheeled by through her window, strapped to a gurney, her arms bleeding. Just like Devon had bled. Devon sees the black straps tying Karma down. Devon too had been strapped down and confined. Then Devon has another memory.

She remembers That Night. She remembers cutting the umbilicol cord, the screaming little creature, the blood. And she remembers the screaming stopping, swallowed by a black bag.
A woman comes to get her in her cell, saying Dom wants to see her. Devon doesn't want to go. She knows she will have to tell Dom what she remembered. But she goes anyway.

So, now we know that Devon did put the baby in the trash bag. Does that mean she, herself, put the baby in the trashcan? That could have been someone else right? Now, I want to know why this happened.

Picture This...

You walk, handcuffed and escorted by a polices man with brown eyes, through a parking lot into a large white building, sort of the highway. You feel bloated, gross, heavy, dirty. You wait in a room with several other teenagers, girls in bright orange jumpsuits, boys in blue. All of you wear leg chains, bolted across your ankles, sitting in chairs, bolted to the floor, all in a line, facing a large wooden desk about seven feet in front of you. When you are called into the court room by a scary, erect, strict woman, your heart starts to beat a little faster. You meet a temporary lawyer, and you are surprised by his disheveled appearance. You don't get very far into the hearing, because while you are sitting at the stand, looking out at the dim room with three talls windows to the left and several seats out front, your chest starts to ache and release fluid. You start to cry and blubber up, embarrassed. You are taken away, and given a pile of white, scratchy bedding to carry. You walk down a white with flourescent lights and stale air and a number of doors on either side of you. The hallway leads to a set of double dark green doors. You enter and, with much force, drop the bedding which reveals your soiled jumpsuit to a dozen or so teenage girls in neon jumpsuits, sitting around circular tables doing various activities. You are rushed through and brought to your cell. On the inside, there is a twin sized bed with peeling white, metal railings and a toilet in the far right corner. You are left there until other notice, no information or explanation. The door clanks shut behind you, and your ears ring with the finality of the sound.

After- to page 147

Devon sits at breakfast the next morning, near the shelf of books-she loves to read, like me. Ms. Coughran comes in and announces that they will be having P.E. today. Devon starts to work out with the other girls but Ms. Coughran pulls her aside and tells her she has not been cleared for physical activity by a doctor, and she has a meeting with her lawyer. She heads toward the conference room, enters, and hears the door click shut-like always. Dom is sitting there, dressed more casual than usual. While she talks to Dom, Devon wonders how Dom knows so much about soccer. I have a prediction for this one also:

Dom stated earlier in the book that she wanted Devon's case. I think she wanted the case because she has something in common with Devon, maybe soccer, maybe the innocent school girl thing was going for her.

Devon tells Dom that she can't remember anything. Dom doesn't quite believe this, so she has Devon tell her what she does remember, starting at the beginning.

Devon remembers waking up and having to vomit. Her mom comes in, reminding her that she has an appointment for a sports physical today. Devon goes, nervous about being prodded-she doesn't like people touching her privately, even if it is a doctor. They go to a local clinic and a doctor begins his examination. Devon's mom (Jennifer), being a huge flirt, is chatting at this man, throughout the physical, bragging about her daughter, teasing him. When he examines her private area and abdomen briefly, he seems suspicious afterward. Like he knows something, he wants to talk to Devon alone. She doesn't want to do that. She explains to him that she isn't having sex (lie). He wants her to bring in a urine sample but she never does.

I feel like Devon is holding back just a little bit. She doesn't to have witnesses talk about how good she is in court, and she seems reluctant to give information, though she can't remember much of what happened.

After-32 pages later...

Just a heads up-I will most likely be posting for every time I put down the book for any period of time, just so I don't get overwhelmed with information. This book is "action"-packed.

I left off when Devon was talking to her lawyer Dom, for the first time. She wasn't sure how she was feeling about this woman but now she learns that Dom is her future. All of her hopes and goals for the future are now relying on Dom to help her get out of jail. Devon finds herself frantic. She has never felt this way before, she has always been calm. She paces around the white, cement room in panic. She receives some frightening information; everybody already knows about the crime she has committed, it has been all through the media, whispered in the hallways off her school. She is given some newspaper articles to read in her cell. "Then she sees the pictures. A sharp pain slams into her chest, seizes her breath. One of the couch-the blood-soaked cushions, the crumpled blanket. And another of the bathroom-the blood smeared across the linoleum, a pile of soiled towels in the corner. And still another- a torn open trash bag, revealing the garbage contained within."-page 86. She studies the photo of the trash, and realizes that it is her trash. She starts to remember a few things- like what she was doing "That Night" as it is put. But when she starts to wonder about other things like the blood, she suddenly can't remember anymore.

I have a theory for this, a prediction, if you will. I believe that Devon's mind has repressed "That Night". Before, in the book, Devon claims she remembers somethings like the sex, and pain of "That Night"...though she never actually remembered a baby. She may not have known what was going on, in the daze of the birth. Devon may have been in shock. She may have done these things-such as putting the baby in the trash-subconsciously, or possibly even unconsciously. I don't doubt that she did it herself.

So, after she sees the pictures. It is the next morning, and Devon gets assigned to a chore for the first time. She is determined to do her job superbly, her lawyer said that if she is a "model" resident, the judge will be less harsh. Devon feels the need to prove herself, since she has always been the good, smart girl. I can relate to her because of this. We both always do the right thing, because we want to.

She goes to the school in juvenile detention, with fourteen other girls (the boys are kept separate). She is forced to sit next to a freaky girl with braids and pale skin, named Karma. The teacher- Ms. Coughran- goes through all the rules. All the while Devon is receiving snide comments from Karma. Ms. Coughran begins the first assignment- to write a poem that uses specific words. Devon realizes how utterly dim-witted some of the girls are, for not knowing the meaning of twilight or sail. Devon doesn't write a poem, because poetry reminds her of him. She briefly thinks about-most likely-the first time they ever went out. This is one of the first glances that we, as the reader, seen him (the father of the baby, for those of you who haven't figured it out...). She snaps back to the present, where the classroom walls are surprising colorful with pictures and maps. Some girls share their poems. Devon is distracted when Karma slides her paper over to her. It reads: "She can paint a lovely picture/BUT.../This story has a twist./Her paintbrush is a razor/and her canvas is her wrist." Karma smirks at Devon and then whispers to her. "Yeah, you are a devil. Deep down inside. So am I. So are all of us." She kicks Devon's chair. "Get over it."

That is exactly where I have stopped for now. More will come next time. :)

Just Can't Help Thinking...

...that the author of my book has gotten her ideas from somewhere else. One of my favorite books is "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer (guilty is charged...). When you read a great book, sometimes you have a hard time finding another book as good as that one. Usually, I would just think of this connection as a coincidence, but it seems a bit too similar. Not that the story line is the same, because they are not at all. But there are little things, here and there, such as the fact that the book takes place in the state of Washington, as does "Twilight". There is a girl named Bella (though she isn't the main character), the way the mother behaves is similar-some what eccentric and immature. It even gets down to things like the similarities between word choice and writing styles. Maybe it's in my head, but I can't be sure. I hope it's in my head. I just can't help thinking it is so.

After-to page 78

Today, in After, the main character Devon experienced her first day in juvenile detention. While she goes about, in the court room, through the halls and in her room, she is experiencing post-birth. The bleeding, the milk, and the emotions have caused her much embarrassment. Devon is scared. She has never done anything wrong in her life, she has perfect report cards, the teachers love her, she helps her mother around the house, and now she could possibly be facing five years of prison. With the possibility of being tried as an adult with the charges of Attempted Murder in the First Degree, Abandonment of a Dependent Person in the Second Degree, Criminal Mistreatment in the Second Degree, and Assault in the Third Degree, she has no recollection of any of it. She has met her lawyer and her psychiatrist, who are both willing to help her, but Devon is to confused to function in all of this.

After-Amy Efaw (pre-reading)

I chose this book because I like a good, intense, mysterious book. I always tend to lean toward that sort of riveting book. Just within the first few chapters, After battles the changes and differences of innocence, justice, fear and the psychological state of mind.
The story is about fifteen-year old Devon, who-so far- has been pregnant. Down the street from her house, a baby was found in the trash, still alive. Some police officers came to her house to ask some standard questions about any suspicious behavior. They find her sick, clammy, and suffering from excessive blood loss of the vaginal area. Of course, the police take her down as a suspect. She is taken to the hospital, and then to a juvenile detention center.
I am hoping to unravel this mystery as I read along, to find out what happened prior to the day the police showed up at her house. This is going to be a good one-I'll keep you posted.
-Sam